Confusion
by Fic Fairy
Summary: If Olivia got involved with someone she shouldn't, would Elliot stand by her, even if his beliefs told him he shouldn't? Find out here.  R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

**Confusion**

**By Fic Fairy**

They'd been here so many times before. In their line of work, the stake out was a regular occurrence, and from day one they'd spent countless hours sat crammed in cars just watching and waiting for something to happen.

And yet, to Elliot, this one felt different. There was an awkwardness, an atmosphere that had been hanging over their heads for far too long, and he hated it because it wasn't necessary. It shouldn't be that way, not for him and Liv. They were too close for that.

It wasn't like they'd argued, they weren't angry with each other. She'd just withdrawn, gone silent, and it was that which was causing the atmosphere. The atmosphere that he was determined to do away with.

His partner was staring moodily out of the window, as rain hammered down on the outside, completely locked in her own thoughts. He reached into the back seat, pulled out a can of soda and handed it to her. She took it, opened it, but still said nothing.

"Liv?" he said gently, "Is there something going on? Something I should know about?"

She finally turned to look at him, shaking her head in denial, but he didn't believe her. He could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew exactly what he was referring to.

"You're not yourself." he commented, "You've not been yourself for weeks. Since the little angels case."

She shrugged, "It was a heavy case. Hard to forget."

She wasn't wrong there. He still had nightmares about the case himself. Six newborns, kidnapped from their hospital cribs, photographed dressed as angels by the sick bastard who took them, and then left in dumpsters to die. The fact that Lennox Moriaty would spend the rest of his life in jail went some of the way towards wronging the right, but it didn't change the fact it never should have happened in the first place.

But, that wasn't it with Olivia, he was sure of it. It might account for her moods or whatever, but it didn't explain why she'd distanced herself from him. Usually such cases brought them closer together, not this, which seemed to have done quite the opposite.

"Is there something going on at home?" he asked, still not willing to let it go.

She sighed, "A huge pile of dishes sat on the side because I'm too lazy to unload and reload the dishwasher. Two weeks worth of laundry I can't be bothered to do. Oh, and I spilt red wine on the living room carpet last week."

He smiled, but it was more out of exasperation than anything else. Besides which, her diversionary tactics just made him all the more certain there was something a foot. "That's not what I meant Liv. I meant, is there something going on with you outside work." Suddenly something occurred to him, something that made a lot of sense taking into account the fact that she'd actually been leaving work on time in the last few weeks, and not to do chores if what she had just said was to be believed, "Are you seeing someone?"

She shook her head, but seconds later she started to laugh when she realised that he clearly didn't believe her, "God, I can't keep anything from you can I?"

Elliot smiled, "Nope. So what's the deal? Why didn't you tell me?"

Olivia sipped her soda and then shrugged, "I didn't tell you, because…" she shoved her soda in the can holder that sat between them and put her head in her hands, "Elliot… I can't talk to you about this. Its complicated. Its so complicated."

That much he'd worked out for himself. The last time she'd kept a romance from him was when she'd been involved with Cassidy, which had been complicated by the fact the three of them were colleagues. But that wasn't the problem now, he knew that. He, Liv, Munch, Cragen and Fin were tight, but too tight for her to be involved with one of them without him knowing. He had to look to the bigger picture.

He thought about it; what would constitute 'complicated'? What would make her feel awkward around him?

It didn't take much to work it out.

"He's married." He tried to make it sound as far from an accusation as possible but wasn't sure if he succeeded. It was difficult, with his faith he was always going to view adultery negatively - if he hadn't they'd probably have jumped into the sack themselves a long time ago - but he didn't want her to think he was judging her. She'd never confide in him otherwise.

There was a long uncomfortable silence. Unbearably so, and it just went a long way to convincing him he was right. And yet, when Liv eventually looked up and met his eyes with hers, she shook her head.

"No. He isn't married." At her words he started to question what it could be? What else was there that could leave them so estranged? But then he realised she wasn't done…

"He isn't married, Elliot." she repeated, and he could see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. All the same, he never saw what was coming next;

"But she is…"

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**I know what you're thinking! If you like slash, I'm your new best friend, if you don't, you're running away screaming but pleeeeeeeeeease consider this…**

**1. I never write anything I can't justify**

**2. I write plots and characters, I don't write tacky sex**

**3. If Olivia goes gay, her whole world changes - and that's as much about Elliot, Fin, Munch and Cragen as it is about her unnamed lover (FTVW - shush!)**

**4. I die without feedback! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey all! Keep the feedback coming pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease! **

**Just as an aside, to anyone who's reading my fics War At Home and Champagne, I've not abandoned them, honest! WAH Ch18 is coming tomorrow and Champagne Ch4 is coming just as soon as it finishes being difficult!**

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**A Month Earlier**

She was at the coffee machine when the call came in, so the news came courtesy of Elliot who came up beside her and put his hand on her shoulder. She turned, and found him smiling.

"Moriaty?"

He nodded, "Casey just called. Judge just handed down a life sentence, no chance of parole, no chance of release. He's going to rot in Riker."

She smiled weakly, "Great." And it was great really, she supposed. At least Moriaty would be locked away, at least he wouldn't be able to harm anyone else. All the same though, it wouldn't bring the babies back. It wouldn't give them a second chance at life.

"I told Casey we'd meet her at Murphy's." he said, breaking into her thoughts, "We thought we'd toast the angels, say goodnight to them."

A drink at the conclusion of a case was hardly a rare occurrence, but for some reason on this occasion it felt tasteless to Olivia. Six dead babies was hardly an excuse for a party. But for all she argued against it, Elliot was having none of it.

"Its not a party, I just think we've earned it, especially Casey. Come on Liv, just one."

She still wasn't keen, and would much rather have stayed in the squad room and worked her way through the huge pile of paperwork sat on her desk, but with Elliot not taking no for an answer and Cragen, Munch, Fin and Casey already on board wriggling out of it wasn't really an option, and so she conceded, saying she'd go for one, even though she knew and Elliot knew that there was no such thing as 'one'. No matter how clear they were in their intentions from the outset, going for one drink was not something they were capable of. Cops just didn't work that way.

Therefore, it came as no surprise to her that two, three, four drinks later, they were still there, crammed in a booth, all - with the exception of Cragen - knocking back drinks like they were going out of fashion, and as she drained the bottle of beer number four and saw Elliot rising to go to the bar again she realised she had to put a stop to it.

She just wanted to go home.

She got to her feet, following him, catching up with him just as he reached the bar, and grabbing his arm to get his attention,

"Not for me. I'm done."

He looked at her, surprised, his face a picture of concern that she wanted to allay before he started fussing over her.

"I'm ok." she said, in response to the unspoken question that had, thus far, only been asked by his face, "But I can see that in two more drinks, Cragen will leave, Casey will fall asleep with her head on the table, Munch will let loose with the conspiracy theory de jour, and the girl with all the fake tan on the next table will start hitting on Fin. And then," she added, "this will stop being about the angels and just become a squad night out, and that's not what I came for."

He nodded slowly and she could tell he understood, even if his concerns had clearly not been completely eradicated. He put his wallet back in his jacket, "Come on, I'll walk you home."

She appreciated the gesture but, at the same time, felt it was unnecessary. Not only that, she felt a walk on her own, with the time, space and air to clear her head would do her good. Hopefully she might even get a good nights sleep out of it.

"I'll be fine." she told him, "You stay with the guys." he went to argue but she put her foot down firmly, "Please Elliot. Stay." she leant forward and kissed his cheek, "Tell the others I said goodnight."

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She started her walk through the city, deciding that she'd walk as far as she could, and then once she tired of the walk, catch a cab the rest of the way to her apartment. It wasn't a cold night, but as ever in New York, it was a busy one. It was easy to ignore the crowds though, being as she was, too locked up in her own thoughts.

Thoughts of the little angels.

She couldn't remember the last time a case had had such a profound effect on her. No case was easy, and ones involving children even less so. But this… this had been horrific.

Still for them, it was over. Or as over as it would ever be. For the parents of five of the babies the nightmare was really only just beginning. Now everything was settled - if that was the right word - the bodies of their children would be handed back over to them, and they'd have funerals to plan and the grieving would begin.

As for the sixth…

Before she could even begin to dwell on the sixth angel she became aware that someone was in front of her, speaking to her and when she focused her attention on the person she realised it was one of the rose sellers who seemed to make a pretty decent living hanging out in Times Square with baskets of flowers, hawking them to anyone who looked even slightly love struck.

She and Elliot seemed to get stopped by them at about a rate of one a week, not that he'd ever taken the bait.

The girl looked at her, smiling, "You want a rose lady?"

She snorted. Did she really look that sad and desperate that she'd want to buy a rose for herself? But then she saw the pretty pale pink, baby pink really, rose that was being held out to her, and realised that yes, in fact, she did want a rose. She reached into her bag, pulling out her purse and handing over the five dollars that the woman asked for. She took one rose, and then, after a moments thought, pulled two ten dollar bills and another five out of her purse and asked for five more roses.

Apparently, she wasn't going home after all.

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She arrived at her destination, with her bundle of roses, a little while after. It was close to 9 at night but she suspected the person she'd come to see - well kind of - would still be working.

She wasn't wrong.

"Do you ever go home?" she asked, as she stood in the door to the ME's office where Melinda was sat, with a desk holding a pile of paperwork to rival her own. Melinda looked up and smiled,

"Very rarely. What can I do for you Detective Benson? You got a stiff for me?"

At that point, Olivia faltered. Beyond her impulse buy of the roses she'd not really given a lot of thought to what she'd do or say when she got there, and so she just held the roses out to Melinda clumsily, hoping she'd work it out for herself.

At first the other woman just grinned, "For me. Too kind." But then Olivia watched as she counted the roses and did the math and then her smile became less playful and more knowing and she got to her feet, picking up her keys from the desk.

"You know," she said, as Olivia followed her down the corridor to the morgue, "I was expecting one of you tonight, but I thought it would be Daddy Stabler."

Olivia looked at her questioningly, surprised by both the assertion that Elliot would have appeared and by Melinda's nickname for him. "What do you mean?"

Melinda unlocked the morgue door and set about opening the various drawers as she explained, "Religious cases and kids, its usually Detective Stabler who rocks up after hours. Neglect is always you. Anything where alcohol has been a factor. And…" she paused, obviously thinking hard, "post rape suicides. I don't question why," she added, smiling, "I just expect you and unlock when you arrive."

Olivia found herself stunned by her comments, the apparent insight she had. She'd expect it from Huang, the psychology of the living was his thing, but she'd assumed Melinda was more clued into dead bodies than live minds. When she'd recovered she glanced down at the six pink roses.

"Does Elliot bring flowers?"

The other woman shook her head, "No. The flowers are new. These little ones," she said, indicating the six tiny bodies laying out, sde by side in six identical drawers, "They really got to you."

She nodded, swallowing hard, trying to disperse the large lump that had lodged itself in her throat, "Can I?" she indicated the flowers, and the drawers.

"Of course." Melinda stepped back, into one corner of the room, giving her space as she lay a rose beside each baby. At first she thought she could do it, at first she thought she could keep her emotions under control, but as she reached the last but one angel, the second one they found she felt a tear slide down her cheek and couldn't help but let out a sob.

"Are you ok?" Melinda asked gently. Olivia turned, a little embarrassed to have been caught crying, hiding it as only she knew how, with a joke, "You tell Elliot you saw me crying and you'll end up in here."

Melinda moved to her side, eyeing her with concern, "Tell me to butt out, but what is it with this little one? I saw you in court. This was the one that got to you."

Olivia looked down at the angel they'd known as initially as Baby Doe, and later, after deciding between themselves, Hope. Born to a drug addict, living on the streets who had died after giving birth to her, she was the only angel with no traceable family, no one left to mourn for her. When she'd been taken from the hospital nursery, no one even batted an eyelid to begin with. It had taken way too long for the alarm bells to go off.

"She's got no one." She said softly, "She's all alone."

"Ah. Neglect again. I see now." Melinda said, and Olivia didn't bother to correct her. Wasn't prepared to correct her. There were some things about Hope that she just wasn't ready to share. With anyone.

She needed have worried, because the ME was off on another tangent anyway, "Have you been drinking?" she asked suddenly, and the fact the question came so out of the blue made Olivia feel slightly defensive,

"Why?"

Melinda smiled, "Because Detective Benson, I think you're due another one. Come on, there's a bar just down the street…"


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a fairly short chapter - I'm hoping that eventually the present day / flashbacks will balance out length wise but at the moment the present day stuff seems to be wanting to be on the short side - and who am I to argue, I'm just the writer!**

**In case you'd not worked it out from the last chapter, the pairing comes fully into the open in this chapter, courtesy of Elliot who did! **

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**Present Day**

Elliot could scarcely believe what he was hearing. Or rather not hearing since his partner seemed to be dragging out her story to avoid telling him the identity of her mystery lover. All the same though, as she'd talked it had become plainly clear where her story was going and by the time she and the ME departed the morgue for the bar he was convinced, if not slightly incredulousl.

"Melinda?" he said, completely stunned, "Melinda's your…" he groped for a word, the right word, but the only one he came up with felt awkward and inappropriate; he used it anyway though, unsure where else to go with it, "girlfriend."

His partner looked embarrassed, like she'd have been quite happy if the floor were to open and swallow her up. That was understandable he supposed given the situation. She sighed deeply and then after a painful silence finally responded, "We're involved, put it that way."

Involved. He wasn't even sure that he knew what the hell that meant, particularly in the context of Olivia, who up until 10 minutes previously he considered to be straight and the ME, who funnily enough up until 5 minutes previously he also considered to be likewise.

"How did it happen?" he asked, trying not to sound judgemental although no matter how hard he tried he knew there was an element of that in his tone of voice. "When you went to the bar? Was that it? Did you just get gay there and then."

Olivia smiled a wry smile, although he was failing to see what was particularly funny about the situation, "No. I didn't just 'get gay' Elliot. That's what I'm trying to tell you, I'm trying to explain to you how it happened, but you seem to have second guessed where the story is headed."

"Ok, go on. You're right" he admitted, accepting in the first instance that she wanted to tell him the tale in her own way and time, until suddenly he found himself recalling a titbit of information that he'd once heard on the grapevine; something about her lover's husband, and that was when he stopped her again before she'd barely had chance to open her mouth, "No. Hang on. Where was her husband when all this was going on?"

There was another unbearable silence as Olivia stared out of the window again, apparently finding the street they'd been sat in for five hours suddenly very interesting. And then, still gazing out of the window, she responded, "He's away."

"Away where?" Elliot asked quizzically, even though deep down he was convinced he already knew the answer although was hoping against all hope that he was wrong. Again, silence reigned and this time Olivia made no attempt to offer up anything resembling a response. Finally he could bear it no longer, "Olivia," he said sharply, "Melinda's ex Airforce, her husband is still serving. Where is he?" Now he knew he was acting and sounding judgemental, but he no longer cared. It wasn't like she was making it easy for him.

Besides which, when she eventually answered, it was clear that she deserved it.

"Afghanistan." She said softly, in barely more than a whisper.

Even though they were best friends, they'd had differences of opinion in the past, but Elliot didn't remember ever being as angry with her as he was in that moment. Angry wasn't even the right word, it wasn't powerful enough. Disgusted, that was how he felt, so disgusted that he could have reached for her, grabbed her and shaken her until he'd killed her. He didn't though, instead settling for exploding verbally and letting her see his distaste for what she'd done that way.

"Nice. Really nice. He serving his country and your servicing his wife." He looked at her long and hard, "We lost friends in 9/11 Liv and he's out there fighting in their name whilst you're here screwing his wife. What a patriot you are!"

"Don't!" she snapped, suddenly turning to face him, with an angry spark in her eyes, "Don't you dare play the 9/11 card with me. That's not what this is about."

"You're fucking the wife of a man on a tour of duty in a war zone." he retorted furiously, remembering his time in the Marines, being away for months at a time, with the only thought of getting home to Kathy to keep him warm at night; if he'd ever found out that she was being unfaithful it would have killed him quicker than the enemy could have done, and it was that at the forefront of his mind; that was what was making him angry and it was that that he needed Olivia to understand. He looked at her coldly, "Do you know what it would have done to me if Kathy had been unfaithful while I was away?"

For the first time since they'd started to argue he saw the look of indignation disappear from her eyes and she sighed unhappily, "Elliot, I get what you're saying but…" she shook her head, "… I didn't plan any of this. I didn't think 'oh good her husband's away I can take advantage of that fact'. We just…" she paused, "is there any point of us having this conversation? You're clearly pissed at me, and if you're just going to stay pissed then I might as well maintain my dignity and privacy and keep the story to myself."

He was tempted to tell her to leave it, unconvinced that he really wanted to know the sordid story, and resolute that nothing she said would ever make what she'd done acceptable. But at the same time, they'd been friends and partners for a long time and he was worried about her. Not because of the mess she'd got herself into with Melinda - as far as he was concerned that was a problem of her own making and having made her bed she was going to have to lie in it - but because there was obviously more to her problems than just her inappropriate relationship. From what she was saying the relationship had begun at the end of the Little Angels case, and his gut feeling was that her problems predated that by some way, and so, although he was reluctant, he shook his head, "No. Go on, tell me. I'm sorry," he added, although he wasn't really, "it's just a bit of a shock, that's all."

Olivia laughed weakly, "You think it's a shock? You should try being in my shoes…"

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	4. Chapter 4

_That night, in the bar, had been a revelation as far as Olivia was concerned. Not a sexual revelation, that wasn't what it had been about at all, but she learnt that sometimes, in the right situation, she could let go. She could talk._

_Admittedly, she'd done it with Elliot, but that came around in one of two ways, through anger at him, or just because she couldn't cope any more, and then usually ended abruptly when she realised exactly what she'd done and regretted it. The evening with Melinda, it hadn't been like that._

_To begin with, there had been no anger. Nor had she been close to breaking point. She was sad, very sad about the angels, all of them, especially Hope; and she was fighting her own personal demons too but she wasn't on the edge. On the brink. It didn't all come out in a flood of emotion. _

_She literally, simply, and without the usual related drama, just talked; before she even realised what she was doing._

_They were on their second bottle of wine, and she'd just apologised for keeping Melinda out so late. That was when Melinda had told her she had nothing to go home to because her husband was away and her daughter had just gone off to college. _

_They talked about how hard it was to be a mother. How heart breaking it was to have to cut the apron strings. And then Melinda asked the question._

"_Wouldn't you like kids?"_

_Any other time, she'd have laughed the question off. Would have said she had enough on her plate partnering Elliot without adding any more mayhem and chaos to her world. But not that night; that night she answered without even thinking._

"_I would. I nearly did. But I miscarried."_

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"What the hell? You miscarried? When?" Elliot sounded close to exploding, and as tempted as Olivia was to point out that if he stopped interrupting he might find the story easier to follow, she understood his anger; knew that it was born of his frustration at no longer knowing or understanding someone he thought he was so close to. If the situation had been reversed, she would have been feeling exactly the same.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady her emotions, not wanting to burst into tears although it was becoming a perilously close thing.

"During the Little Angels case."

Her partner closed his eyes and there was a long silence in which she could only sit and wait for his response, whether anger or otherwise.

In the end, it was otherwise.

"Liv." He reached out, touching her hand gently, "Why am I only hearing this now?"

She stared down at his hand on hers, glad to see it there, but at the same time knowing that the only answer she could give him would probably result in him moving it, as he got angry with her all over again. All the same she had no choice. She owed him her honesty now, more than anything else in the world.

"Because I'm trying to justify my own very _sinful_," she chose the word deliberately, not because she believed it particularly, but because she knew he did, "behaviour to you. Because I want you to know I didn't set out to break up a family, a home. I didn't go looking for a lesbian relationship. I was just scared and alone and I needed someone; needed something. "

There was a beat, mere seconds, and then, he did it.

He took his hand away.

"That wasn't question Liv, and you know it. It's god damn obvious why you're telling me now. What I want to know is why you didn't tell me then."

She wrapped her arms around herself trying to protect herself from the metaphorical chill in his voice that seemed completely and utterly literal at that moment. And she hated it because she knew she only had herself to blame. "Melinda asked me that, when I told her. She asked why I hadn't told you."

"And?" he said bluntly, the frostiness in her voice not letting up for a minute, "What exactly did you tell Melinda in response to that all important question?"

She took a deep breath, psyching herself up, ready to go again; another minute, another revelation, and this time she couldn't even bring herself to look at him.

"I told her I didn't tell you because I was too embarrassed, because I was so desperate to get pregnant that I went out and got laid by a stranger in the bar, just because it was the right time of the month and because I could."

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Elliot felt like he'd been hit by a truck. It was like the world was playing a practical joke on him, that he really didn't understand and was completely failing to find funny. He looked over at Olivia and it felt like he was sharing a car with a stranger. Gay had been bad enough, the miscarriage even worse, but this... it wasn't bad, it wasn't good, it was just nonsensical, farcical.

"Have you lost your mind?" He spat, too angry to hold back now, "What the Hell is wrong with you Olivia? None of this makes sense, so if this is some lousy stupid lie you're spinning me to make me feel sorry for you so your disgusting affair doesn't seem so bad, forget it. I'm not a fucking idiot."

He waited for her response but she just looked at him numbly, his words apparently bouncing off of her like water off a ducks back. And then, she spoke, in a voice that he didn't recognise any more than he did the woman in front of him, "You're not the idiot. I am."

Her bottom lip wobbled then, and she started to cry, another particularly un-Olivia like act. It was more than he could take, he didn't want to spend another minute in her completely unfamiliar presence and so he yanked the keys out of the ignition and threw them at her.

"I'm going home. I'll radio Fin, ask him to take over."

He reached for the door and went to open it, but before he could he felt her hand on his arm.

"Elliot… please…" she whimpered sounding so pathetic that it just compounded everything he was already feeling. He shook her hand away violently,

"Leave me alone Olivia. "

And then he left the car without another word.

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She knew why he'd left, but that didn't stop it hurting. Not least because she knew it was entirely her own fault. She'd pushed him too far, too fast. She'd become a stranger to him, just as she had to herself but he'd had only minutes to digest it, to come to terms with it, not like the weeks and months that she'd had.

When her tears had slowed she reached for her cell phone and dialled, reaching out to the only person that she could rely on for sympathy at that moment.

"Hey lady, how's the stakeout?"

Just hearing Melinda's term of endearment for her was enough to push her over the edge, and the tears that had so recently come to an end, started to flow all over again, pretty quickly culminating in some serious sobbing as she tried to tell her miserable tale of woe.

When she was done, she heard Melinda sigh on the other end of the line, and a sense of fear gripped her as a thought suddenly occurred to her, "Are you pissed at me for telling him?" It seemed like the only thing that could make a bad situation worse, and she couldn't believe that she'd not stopped to think about it before. Luckily, Melinda was quick to reassure her.

"No. Not pissed you. I knew this would happen, sooner rather than later. I know what you two are like. Pissed at him though." She added, "Although again not surprised. Macho men tend to be big on lesbians until they become reality."

While she appreciated hearing that Elliot was in the wrong, Olivia couldn't really bring herself to believe it. His reaction had been nothing other than completely understandable, and knowing him like she did, she didn't believe for one minute that Elliot being a 'big macho man' had anything to do with it.

"He just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand you and I, or the baby, or how the baby came to be but," she swallowed hard, choking back another set of tears, "most of all he doesn't understand why I didn't tell him any of it before."

"Yeah, maybe." Melinda said, conceding the point, "But that's not gonna stop it upsetting you is it? Look lady," That term of endearment again, so she couldn't help but manage a smile, albeit a weak one, "Why don't you come over? You sound like you need some tender loving care, and I'd like to be the one giving it to you."

It was tempting. Very tempting. But she was on the job, she couldn't just walk away from that. And so, although it pained her to do so, she declined, although she put a caveat on it. "I get off at ten if the offer still stands then?"

She could almost picture Melinda smiling down the phone at her, "You bet it does. I'll have the wine chilled and bath run ok? I'll see you later."

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End file.
